Hands-on Mom

(MAY 6, 2008 ENTRY)

Taking care of my baby right after giving birth sure was not easy. To start with, I found it difficult to rise from bed because of the contractions of the uterus (in case you’re wondering, the uterus contracts in order to return to its normal size). My lower torso was aching, my trips to the C.R. were torture, I didn’t have much of an appetite---I felt like every inch of my body was painful. And because I gave birth when school still was not over, I did not have my younger sisters to help me in taking care of my baby. It was just me.

Yes, it was scary, really scary. Sometimes I would cry when I did not know how to make her stop crying, or when I felt the pain every time I breastfed. I could not anymore look after myself because I had to keep watch over the baby. I had to wash her feeding bottles just in case she was hungry again. I had to hold her firmly but gently because tiny babies still have soft bones. Once, at night, I asked help from my mother because she wouldn’t stop crying; little did I know that she was just feeling cold. And I would instantly begin to worry when she slept for only a short period of time.

I juggled household chores with taking care of my baby. I could not have any decent sleep because she would wake up in the middle of the night. For the first few weeks, she slept during the day and was awake at the wee hours of the morning, only going back to sleep at around 5 or 6 o’clock. It was stressful; it was unbelievable. And when I would start counting the days, I’d realize that there’s still a long, long way to go.

Then came the responsibility of buying my baby’s necessities. The milk alone costs a fortune, and sometimes when she could not finish up her milk, I had to throw away the leftover after a few hours, and it would feel like pouring gold down the drain.

It was difficult at first, but then I learned to adjust. It’s ok to feel frustrated, or incompetent. Until now I feel that I could not measure up to the kind of care that my mother has given us. But that’s ok. At least I know that I’m doing my best. And when our baby grows up, I’d be really proud to tell her the difficulty that her mommy went through. And that it was done out of love.

The Joy (and Pain) of Giving Birth

Sometimes I still cannot believe that I now have a pretty little baby who depends on me, a little angel who gives me all the happiness in the world. Considering what I went through during the delivery, I have all the reasons in the world to be thankful for my precious one.

Before the Delivery:I got admitted in the hospital at 8 o'clock in the morning on March 13 because I started to feel the labor pangs. However, I was not scared. I was nervous, but I was more excited. At last, I would be seeing my newborn after nine months of waiting. I could not wait to be a mommy.

Around 1 o'clock in the afternoon, the pain started to bother me. I made trips to the bathroom alone and in haste because the contractions came with an interval of only two minutes. In my mind, I was thinking "This is it. It won't be long now."

When the pain was unbearable, I was brought to the delivery room and given the epidural anesthesia (painless). I should not be stressed with the pain of the contractions because I have mitral valve prolapse (heart "problem"). After a while, I fell asleep while listening to my baby's heartbeat from the monitor.

During the Delivery:It was mostly the effort of the doctors to get my baby out because I should not push too hard. Yes, I was excited during the delivery, but the few minutes seemed to be too long and too precious. I began to feel afraid. Why? Because as I listened to my baby's heartbeat from the monitor, it began to beat so irregularly. The numbers at the screen showed that everything was not perfectly okay. What was scary at that time was for the baby to be stressed. Luckily, my doctor got her out seconds before she became dangerously close to being harmed. I gave birth at exactly 10:04 on March 13.

After the Delivery:
My baby did not cry immediately, and again I began to feel afraid. And when I finally heard her screaming her lungs out, I whispered a silent prayer of thanks. Little did I know that the doctors termed my delivery "code red" or an emergency case. If things did not go well, perhaps one of us could have been sacrificed. See? I have all the reasons in the world to be grateful that my baby and me are both okay. God was surely there with us.

Holding Her:
I could not quite explain the feeling of holding my baby for the first time. It consisted of disbelief (Did she really come from me?), happiness (She is an ultimate blessing.), anxiety (Would I be a good mom to her?), and other emotions that I can't quite put into words.

At Home:
Sometimes I feel lazy to wake up when she cries in the middle of the night. But then I remember how my parents experienced a more difficult time taking care of me when I was born, because I was 7 months premature and needed utmost care. You see, when you become a mommy (or a parent) yourself, you begin to be grateful for your parents' sacrifices. And it is when the responsiblities of parenthood become so real.

But nothing compares to the joy of seeing your baby smile even when she is asleep (thus making you wonder what dreams she may be having), of holding her and feeling her relax in your arms, of smelling her "baby smell" that makes you wish you were a baby again, of feeding her when she is hungry, of changing her nappy when she wets it, of cleaning her every time she poops.....you get the picture. Every single moment you spend with your little one is really precious.

I have to say, it was all worth it.